Sunday, I can do this!

Today, I have a lot going on in the next few weeks that I find quite overwhelming.

Lets kill it.

Fweeeiiieieieiieieeday!

July is so beautiful. I do have to wonder how much of the loss of flowers in my yard is due to lack of water, but hey, I wasn't given an instruction booklet when we moved in.

I have been quite enjoying myself in the yard these last few days. My next goal is to afford a membership at the river road parks and recreation aquatic/fitness center.

The plants in my yard are mostly happy though, I think. I'm gonna cut away dead things and weeds here soon, and get myself a nice watering can. The hose is rather harsh when you're trying to get new things to grow.

This afternoon I'm feeling mild, after a morning full of dancing. I played cello for the first time in quite a while, which was nice. I left it out of its case, as the weather seems to be settled down, and would like to do my little warm-ups on it every day from now on as much as I can! I don't really know where I'm going with it right now, and I'm feeling very discouraged, but I can't deny my skill. I want to find happiness in the art itself, and I am hoping that by giving myself the opportunity, I will find it.

Settling in to the Dalewood house has brought me into a state that is far more peaceful than any I have previously enjoyed. My stresses are clear or self-created, so when I get to the bottom of things the conclusions remain the same; Everything is beautiful, I love the people around me, I'm doing just wha-

Hmm.

I have begun questioning where I'm at with my present job.

I think I want to be a teacher.

Beautiful Rainy Friday-Saturday in June...

So my house is feeling the freedom of summer creep up alarmingly fast, but... it is really like downhill skiing. We're so excited that it's cool if we yardsale down the slope cuz everything is soft and fluffy and beautiful right now.

Izy is excted cuz she's down to a size 14, and this makes me feel happy and excited for our house as we venture into a household goal of weight-loss and fitness. I've hooked myself on to Izy's goal of a size 10, which I don't ever remember being. I know we can do it! Soon I think we're all going to start doing bike rides, and there is the parks and rec place just a little down the road that has a pool and a fitness center! I personally want to try and find a nearby like... obstacle course where I can use my brain while I do cross fit stuff. I know I'd quickly get addicted to that.

More and more I realize how much of a pack animal I am.

:)

It has been said before that the greatest form of revenge is simply refusing to lie down.

I'm getting there... have had a lot of up and down... hesitant and all that.

I think that irritates a lot of people, makes them think I don't know what the fuck I'm doing.

I'm realizing that I don't care, and that if I do stick with my gut, I'll do lovely.

Gadwynne is adorable.

Not having my ADD meds today makes blog writing more difficult! lol

Money is the other tight thing in my life right now. It will be nice when Gabe has a more comfortable situation going on, but on the other hand I feel as though I'm paying my dues. I am so thankful to be right where I am right now, and I promise the universe I will be patient and faithful.

Eggplants are delicious.

I have to wake up early tomorrow and go buy produce! Truffles and strawberries are fore sure on the list. I'm going to get a lettuce basket to hang on my back patio thingy, and some sturdy veggies and fruits for the week.

Seriously.

There have also recently been some lovely adventures!

Camping and mimosas on memorial day weekend!

Aaaaand Proxy falls hiking the previous weekend!! <3

More recently there was a wedding attended last Saturday, and last Sunday was Izy's sister/my cousin Lillian's wedding shower and her Caedmon's corresponding Grooms...shower. It was SO GREAT TO SEE ALL THE FAMILY WHO WAS THERE!!!

It was also lovely to get excited about the wedding, which will be happening at SOAK on the 23rd. I want to dress up as a dragon and a cave beasty.

My little garden is presently living on a plastic chair. I want to get pot-like boxes, as I don't trust the ground in my backyard to be able to ward off yucky buggilies. I have a thriving parsley plant in the ground though... go figure. The two basils I planted died.

In my chair garden, though, I have pretty little white flowers, peppermint, sage, thyme, basil, aand... dill. Everyone seems to be surviving nicely the past couple weeks.

With his next paycheck I would like to get my BBQ up and running!

Tomorrow we have a birthday party to attend, and I'm way excited to have a late lunch with Celeste on Sunday. Izy and I are going to have a sewing lesson!! I love her so much, I am happy things are calming down so that I can be making more plans with my great auntie.

Gabe's momma went in for open heart surgery on the 31st, and she came home on the 5th. We visited her at the hospital after the wedding last Saturday before we went to Uncle Rob's and the next morning before going to brunch with Mike and Holly and my parents at Mother's Bistro (super good). I fucking love a good Bagel and Lox. But anyway, Tara is doing great at home from what I hear, and everything has gone super well from the moment she went under the knife, thank heavens. I feel so grateful and blessed! I cannot wait to assist in her becoming stronger and sticking around to some day see her grandbabies!!!

Well, that's all for now. Time to play some serious D3!! ;D

Saturdayz

So, obviously, took some good advice and changed things up.

This week has been so awfully long feeling! It has been rather nice though, so that is good. I haven't been sleeping properly, and I think that is part of the reason why things are feeling so crazy. Today I woke up rather early (to my mild dismay) to go to the market. It was not sunny, as it has been, and has remained rather muggy, cloudy, and cool today.

At the market I acquired some radishes, little squashes and zucchinis, young red onions, no. 2 porcini and white elk mushrooms, strawberries (to plant and to eat), and a bunch of living herbies to plant in my lovely backyard: sage, thyme, basil, peppermint, and dill. Rosemary grows like crazy all over town! I'm trying to hold off buying a plant so that I can see about just... re-locating one, but all of the ones I've come across are too big. (heehee!)

Today also happened to be garage sale day for a lot of neighborhoods. Gabe' and I acquired six sturdy little chairs, a small bookcase, and a Coleman gas grill with accoutrements for a whopping $37.00! The things we didn't find, but were also on our list of things needed, were also acquired (in less thrifty, but reasonably-priced ways), making today feel quite successful.

I now feel as though I could throw an event over here! :D 

When I don't feel so tired anyhow...

Gabe' has been so fucking sweet with me these last few days. I've been feeling particularly depressed (probably most due to lack of sleeping), and as we all know, that is waaaay not fun to hang around with, but he has been nothing but supportive, patient, gentle, and lovingly himself. I feel so blessed. So. Fucking. Blessed. I love having his force in my life! I loves it! And it makes me so happy!

Last night, he seriously sang a song called "Shy Poops" (inspired by my habits, with Izy on the backup vocals) to cheer me up into a condition that I could join everyone in going to karaoke, Preeeetty good boyfriend.

I'm getting more and more in the habit of just being honest in everything that I do. Honest with myself, honest about what I'm feeling and what I want/need, honest to the people around me. The key to that is also ceasing judgmental thinking.

I'm someone who constantly interprets people, and I feel like I'm only getting better at that with trusting my gut and listening to what is true inside me. Living that way I feel promotes others around you to do the same thing, and that just promotes honest living and happiness!

I've also come to understand that there is a difference between being honest and being completely forthcoming and exposed.

It is important to people to hide things from other people - for lots of reasons.

On that note, it is lovely to have my space out in the house:

instead of trapped in my room.

...And now for something completely different!

I have been gaining weight. This makes me anxious and sad.

The struggle against those feelings is intensifying, and I am also happy to report that  I don't feel self-conscious any more than usual (quite infrequently). I feel as beautiful and sexy and lovely as usual, but I just feel very unhappy and worried about my health when I think about the little stretch marks I discovered on my tummy the other day.

To solve my problem, I'm trying to eat better, eat less, and put together a work-out routine that I like. Eating better is hard, but only because I just... haven't had the will power to cut back on fatty foods as of late. Usually I counter that by just not possessing any, but lately it just hasn't been working out that way either due to roomies or my weakness for cheese and other classy though suety foods.

Eating less has just always been a struggle for me! Gabe' is better at it, but I think for me I just need to eat filling foods with lesser calories in amounts that make my body happy. This requires me to be disciplined, patient, and listen closely to my insides, and often, especially when I'm stressed or moody, those things are quite challenging to manage! But, I will keep practicing and never give up. Forming life habits is like developing any other skill.

As far as a workout routine, Gabe' and I have gone on a lovely exercise-focused walk this past week, and hope to be taking multiple of those in the coming weeks. I would also love to sign up for swimming at the local community center, but I'm not quite there yet - one step at a time, as it were.

I imagine there will also be plenty of gardening, camping trips, hikes, and bike rides coming up with the warm season!

I also hope to be picking up my cello again soon, and I want to write more, like I was for a little while. I get so excited about things sometimes that I overwhelm myself in my own expectations, criticisms, and resentments. I have found that being intensely patient and taking things slowly is the only way that I can really make my activities stick in a way that I don't end up having an anxiety attack every time I try to do one of them.

-ireallyhatefeelingselfcontiousaboutthatbeingtruerightnow

But, anyway, things are fucking amazing, and I thank the heavens and earth for how charmed my life is.

Pretty much! Yeah!

Freakin' Tuesdays...

Is it weird that I feel like blogging about my life seems really lame?

I've been recently addicted to watching Mad Men on Netflix.

Diablo 3 is out this morning, and I've been playing the beginning snippets until I get booted from the server due to high traffic. <3 I suppose that is what I get for being one of millions in love with Blizzard games...

I've been becoming progressively less interested in work and more interested in... school? Something else? I'm thinking it will be good for me to stick it out until I can't stand it anymore. Plus, it is fun to combat my anxious voices that are saying I'll be trapped there for the rest of my life.

I'm starting to feel as though it... really sucks to be a secretary.

Examining that idea:

Mastery of that job would be becoming expert at dedicating your professional life to handling an individual who inevitably makes more money than you, and is forever going to be seen as superior...

I can't handle it.

Especially when there is a boss of mine who throws temper tantrums.

I just feel so... unhappy in that position. I value the job, as it provides me with the opportunity to learn how to function in a position where I am not in charge, but I feel as though I am wasting much of my critical and creative brain. I sure don't feel like some expert legal assistant after working there seven and a half months, but I think I get the gist of the job, and I just don't want to be there forever.

My goal right now is to stick around at least until next April. If things don't change much, I imagine I will stay there until they do. I like the flexibility I have now, and I am not afraid of anyone I work with. I am looking for things to remain static, or maybe get a little bit busier. If I were working 32 hours a week, I'd be satisfied a little more than I am now. My direct boss just doesn't quite seem to have the chops to keep me that busy though... I suppose we'll see if he cranks things up. The boss with the temper tantrums is the guy who really brings in all the work, and he is nearing retirement. If he goes sooner rather than later, I might be looking for new employment sooner rather than later.

I'm sleepy right now, so I'm not really in a good frame of mind to think forward, but I have faith that the world around me will take care of me. Listening to the ground, sometimes you have an easy time hearing things <3 I'm hopeful that my insides will continue to keep me on track, and I am excited to continue to practice listening to them.